I think the hardest part of losing someone, isn’t having to say goodbye, but rather having to live without them throughout the rest of your lifetime and forever trying to fill that void of that emptiness that’s left inside your heart when they go.

In continuation of my prior blog (The Dark Path) …

Being a seven year old child went by fast just like my mother’s health’s condition-(illness) the cancer was killing her, Right before my eyes before I knew it, she wasn’t able to stand or get up much more to never walk again, she became bedridden. Throughout several years she was transferred to the hospital for her doctors appointments at times she was kept for several days and sometimes weeks even, for chemo therapy and radiation treatments that she was getting to keep her comfortable while she slowly declined. I recall the Ems transporters placing her in a lifter and placing her in a carry chair carrying her down the three floors of stairs all while she bit her tongue in pain and at times shouting out in excruciating pain because ever movement and step they took hurt her deteriorating fragile bones. And the hospital always sent her back home to die since there was really nothing that could’ve have been medically done for her or so they say until the one day she never returned back home to forever stay in the hospital since by now she had broken her two hips due to a negligent accident while under the care of hospital staff. So Every-time she was taken and left to stay I was taken by my step father or picked up by one of my siblings to be over their care. That life was normality for me I still attended school at times since now I had to be driven since staying with my sister Sibling #6 was sometimes to hung over to get up and take me to school or she couldn’t pick me up after school so I would miss a lot and when I did attend I cut class and played hooky skipped school it was very few times I stood a full day in my classes yet I had excellent grades and was even part of the honor role. I can’t say the nights spent watching my younger nephews in store fronts watching my sister Sibling #6 drink and party being a live band groupie took my motivation away because I never had motivation to begin  with.

I remember it being like any other day waking up my nephews before my sister Sibling #6 would whip them to get up from the bed to get ready since she was always hung over from drinking the prior nights into early mornings blasting music all night long yelling screaming or arguing to her at the time live in husband father of her children. I would sleep with my two nephews on a twin sized bed so getting them up was easy since I was more like their sister,mother then their young aunt, after dropping them off to school I would return to the house and sometimes go back to sleep or start to clean as I was instructed to do not before having to go to the corner store to buy breakfast for my sister Sibling #6 by then it’s already noon time, by 2:45pm I was already heading to pick up my nephews from school to come and help them with their homework and keep them out her hair when her husband would return from work it was to accompany him to fast food restaurants to help get dinner or in the weekends we would all be dressed waiting for her husband to get home from work so he can get ready to head out for a night on the town and on our way we would stop in a fast food restaurant to get dinner. Again That was normality.

The day before it happened Was like any repeated Friday evening, before we headed out for us to go see live bands play at random corner stores and stopping to get fast food to feed the children I asked my sister Sibling #6 can we go see mommy ? She was bothered by my question but I caught an attitude and temper tantrum leaving her no choice but to say yes and take me to see our mother at the hospital which was only 5 blocks away from her home. With my brother-in-law I entered my mother’s room were she laid with tubes in her mouth and restraining straps holding her arms down on each side of the bed iv and tubes sticking out her left arm she was awake starring to the wall in front of her I watched my brother in law give her a kiss on the forehead and greet her as I stood by the foot side of her hospital bed just observing  the sadness seen in her face and since we were being timed since my sister Sibling #6 was downstairs waiting in the running car with the kids we were just there for a hi and bye visit. For what was a  brief moment felt like hours spent looking into my mother’s big beautiful brown watery eyes I felt her telling me she’s worried with the look of so much love for me I then asked her for her blessing as it is a cultured habit us Hispanics have and left the room to head back to my sister who was anxiously awaiting for me and her husband to get back in the car.

Went about the night and got back to the house around 6am the next morning May 2nd 1992 is a day I’d never forget we went straight to sleep. To only be awaken by our neighbor who was banging at the front door screaming and begging for someone to open I was the one to get up and open as I’m walking to the door my sister Sibling #6 is already behind me walking slowly towards the door as well as I open the door my neighbor is frantically telling me to get my sister up because my step father just called her and reported our mother had just passed minutes ago at 8:00am a moment in time where – My Life froze!




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